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jillian kay.

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[19 Dec 2010|11:00pm]
pull me close against your chest
i want to
run my fingers along the back of your neck
breathe you in.
i can feel
your soft lips against mine
the way you
gently hold my
face in your hands.
you are
my body, my being
is only
without you by my side.
i am so
wrapped up
in a bow
the corners are gently creased and
pressed shut with a transparent sliver of tape.
you are
everything to me
and i could
never forget the moment
when i realized.
i love you.
[ hit me]

[12 Dec 2010|12:28am]
i could never say
no to you
the plead in your
the smirk that crosses
your face
there are
words i want to say
from things that
i cannot speak
they tickle my lips
dance across my tongue
three words
but i have no words
i could never freely
give myself away
but to you
i could never say
[ hit me]

[11 Dec 2010|02:28pm]
knead my fingerprints against you
twist arms in arms
my hand against your chest
i want to breathe
you so deeply.
drink in your eyes.
swallow your smile.
grab the nape
of your neck.
fall into you
as nothing before
your heart is something i could live in
[ hit me]

[11 Dec 2010|01:59am]
like a thousand
words running
through my mind
listen slowly,
but think.  
i know now, what
i will know tomorrow.
and i beg for you.
i lay awake in the
of night
and beg for you
how many frogs
leapt across this pond
before you
but now,
my stomach growls no longer
for i am full.
[ hit me]

[23 Oct 2010|06:18pm]
i watch you on your back as you softly snore and
i hear you.

the gentle soothes of your voice
rising and falling inside my ears.

it aches inside of my gut to clench your voice and grasp it for my very own.
i desperately want to hear you, on repeat, again. again. over. again.
[ hit me]

the black book on my nightstand [24 Sep 2009|02:37pm]
the most
beautiful gift
was your gift to me.

ive kept it dear and near to my heart
all these years.
three short of a decade, if i remember well.

you believed in me.
you lifted me up,
pull my arm which held my body beneath ground.

you set me free.
no cloak of black
this time.
[ hit me]

[24 Sep 2009|11:37am]
I loved loving you.
Now it haunts my dreams and fears
My morning ritual,
to the time I am setting my alarm for the next morning.

I loved loving you.
My insecurities are eating me alive
My collection of owls,
to the the choice of dress for the day.

You abandoned me in the middle of the lake.
I'm drowning in my self-pity.
My negativity eats any positivity as it arises.

I'm hating loving you.
Nothing seems quite right.
My hand doesn't fit against anyone else's,
nor does my head rest in another nook.

I'm hating loving you.
You are my dream.
My heart bursts when the thought of your name is pressed against my lips,
nor does my stomach seem to settle from the reality.
[ hit me]

[21 Sep 2009|08:43am]
you watched me slip and fall
out of your arms
and into the bed i made.

you did nothing.
i suffocated in the covers.
when i broke free, searching for air.

you were gone.
[ hit me]

[21 Sep 2009|08:33am]
she built her life on love alone
the image she saw in the mirror was no longer a reflection of the person she knew
the heavily applied mascara already had begun to
what happened.

she watched the memories of her life slip away
falling into the cracks of her mistakes

love fades deeply
words cannot scratch the surface
and why, of all.
did it slip away?

late nights cursing at God and mornings of pity parties
it slipped away.
she watched the memories of her love
slip away
breaking into the cracks of her mistakes.
[ hit me]

love exists [08 Sep 2008|09:31am]
i could lie in a sea of your arms
forever being pulled closer by the waves of your muscles
and in you, the clouds have been pulled away.
i've opened up the dark
corners of my mind for you.
love exists.
in you i find it.
the love on the radio.
the Disney love.
i want to twist my fingers in your hair.
roll them gently off your face
and tell you exactly what i knew
the first time we held hands.
i love you,
and love exists.
on a piece of paper
tucked away
deep in my heart
it tells me that you love me too.
[ hit me]

[31 Mar 2008|10:22am]
deep intrinsic
beautiful thought
you are at the tip of my tongue
the corner of my eye
and it leaks
throughout the pages
throughout the cracks of your soul
and spills its self, barren.

deep intrinsic
beautiful thought
you taunt me so
you deceive me into believing
that you exist within me.
[ hit me]

[11 Feb 2008|03:11pm]
this is bitter betrayal.
i want to feel free
spread my wings and
cross my eyes.
wrap your arms around me,
i wish they could be so everloving.
i'm not anything.
i don't deem myself satisfactory.
wishful thinking, i guess.
would you notice me after i was already unnoticed?
[ hit me]

[29 Jan 2008|12:25am]
could you find it?
over there.
the tiny pulsating mirror
of nothing.
pinch my flesh and
clutch my lungs
hold patiently.
changes may awaken
but perhaps nothing.
crinkle your eyes
squint your fingers.
depth? meaning?
still nothing.
the blank soul stares back
its beady eyes refusing
to blink
to pause
yet even for a moment
in nothing.
[ hit me]

[29 Jan 2008|12:22am]
"no chip off my shoulder," i suggest.
frequently you are speaking of absurdities.
i'll disallow it.
you could never fulfill that stinging
sensation climbing about my chest.
i can't write like that.
this is passionless.
you, as vapid as the depths of the night.
the shovel of my brain.
perpetually stabbing for something
deeper, yet still
i find myself so shallow.
[ hit me]

[24 Jan 2008|12:08am]
i could never forget
the look in your eyes
so sad
so somber
nothing inviting about
your face that day
came and went
and i
hold the images of us
pressed so deeply into
the darkest
corners of
my mind
i can't seem to escape
this binding fragment of reality
desperately clinging
to some nonexistent past
give and take
push me away!
i am deeply rooted
as the tallest oak
you'll find i can't
seem to help
in me you find nothing.
[ hit me]

[22 Jan 2008|02:07am]
This is ridiculous.
Three weeks.
Three weeks its been gone and done and over.
I am nothing.
I feel lost, confused.
And nothing that it ever was
It wasn't.
And nothing that it ever would have been
It wouldn't have.
I'm nothing. I feel lost without you for the silliest of silly reasons.
Why when I lay to sleep, do I miss your arms?
Why when I wake in the morning,
do I miss sharing a cup of coffee with you?
Feeling like a lost soul is nothing new for me to encounter.
But this. This isn't me, what is wrong with my soul?
[ hit me]

[22 Jan 2008|01:50am]
What holds you to be true, is it the depth of dimension that you clutch?
Your soundless existence.
You sit there.
Patiently holding a set of books in between your equal pair.
Stop looking at me!
I hate how your little face with its beady eyes stands frozen in time.
The date etched on the base of your skin tells us such.

My fingers find themselves grasping your beak, the tips of your white and black spotted ears, to the details on the down of your wings.
I cannot stand how you hold but four choiceless colors dashed across your feathers.
Turn your head three sixty degrees.
Lick your lips at the flesh of my books.

I dare you.
[ hit me]

[24 Dec 2007|01:55pm]
This is not real.
I am not some esque to your addition
Hold me, like you mean it.
I know you don't mean it.
You don't mean anything. You don't meant the things you've never said, and never will say.
I don't mean a thing.
I care, but I am not attached to the thought.
I don't know if I could attach to you.
Don't hold me on grounds as if I were.
I am already attached, but not here.
Swing. Swing softly, gently. Feel the earth on your footsteps.
Feel my skin.
Grow against me and into your thoughts I will swallow
Fish around
Fish deeper in the deepest of seas
You will find nothing of the sort of what you're looking for that you can't find right beside you.
You will realize. You will come to understand.
I am not a child.
I am not a lesser than intelligible being.
I am not perfect.
Your wording,
your silent attacks.
Mean nothing.
Nothing more than they should.
Yes it is true I feel the company is lacking when you are not around
but that doesn't mean that there isn't alternative company
Never forget that.
The wind runs its shy fingers through my hair and grazes my face
Sunlight exposes the mistakes of my skin
and I do not care.
Only a safety blanket could keep me warm
but I refuse to allow one near.
because I do not care.
I am alone now, on this day of everything.
and I do not care.
This repetition of feelings,
this repetition of nothingness.
Is nothingness.
And nothingness.
Can be found in everything.
[ hit me]

[18 Dec 2007|12:22pm]
every time i look at your face
i wish i could capture its beauty within a frame
[ hit me]

[03 Dec 2007|07:31pm]
interlock your fingers
twist them,
knead them into mine
pull up closely
and breathe
exhale your deepest breath as you fall into me
untwist the most complex of complex thoughts
and fall into me
hark the wind
nei, i sing loud and clear
fall the deepest depths of all the seas
and never forget how to live in love
fall into me
fall into love
[ hit me]

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